Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in runninggingers' LiveJournal:

Sunday, December 3rd, 2006
12:08 am	I figured I should update this.... It has been a crazy- but good crazy- few months! But, everything went SO great! It was everything we could have hoped it would be- yes, and more. It was perfect. And, we are certainly enjoying our newlywedism :):) :) Hopefully we'll post more pics somewhere soon! I hope you all are doing well! Hopefully we'll be to a few more gatherings now! Not so much going to WI now. i'm ready for skiing season also! (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 9th, 2006
5:46 pm	Chris, Susan, Iffy, Sarah, Jessica-thank you, thank you so much! I think it was about a year ago that I fully realized that my relationship with my mother really needed to change- a lot- for any kind of relationship with my husband to be healthy and to be successful. I mean, I had always known I guess- anorexia was the result of my attempt to avoid conflict while changing that relationship- it is a very silent rebellion. All the therapy I went through that involved thereapist trying to drill it into my head that I needed to separate from my mom and make my own decisions based on what I want. I can honestly say I completly understand that intellectually. Still, knowing and doing are two different things. I've begun to make decisions that I know my parents would not agree with, yet instead of facing them and standing up for what I believe, I usually end up not telling them anything or rationalizing my actions/beliefs in a way that I figure will be non-threatening to them. Now, it is Toby who I turn to about things...Toby who is my emotional partner. I know that hurts my mom. And, while I love my mom and I do know she loves me, sometimes I wonder if she actually sees it as relinquishing control to someone else! My parents were also bought up in the era that the wedding is for the parents to celebrate with their family and community. We have been told by my brother-in-law (the one doing the ceremony) that this is for us....In my heart, I want that to be true. Also in my heart, however, I fear the consequences of making decisions that will make it more for us. And the consequences are emotional. And it won't be outright fighting, it will be me, in my mousy voice bringing up that perhaps we would not do that and it will be my mom saying "oh" and then not talking to us for a week or so. Now, when I write that, it doesn't seem so bad, but those weeks for me are hell! I feel as though my parents are disowning me. I get sick to my stomach and my heart pounds and I can't sleep. I feel like an ungrateful child. I feel like I've put them through so much with the seven years of anorexia, that at this point, hurting them further is like stabbing them in the heart. I feel like I owe them. I know that I need to be strong. I also need to lean on Toby right now. I need his support to do this. I need him to help me be strong. Thank you so much everyone. It helps knowing that people understand- that I"m not some kind of freak who will always be a child. This will be a hard few months- but it's nice to know there is somewhere I can vent. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
12:43 pm	I wish... I wish I could just do what I want- the problem is- there are only a few specific things that I really want! I mean, I know I want a dress, flower girls, a ring bearer, dancing and my brother in law to do the ceremony- but from then on it's like anything goes....there are only a few things I specifically don't want- a church, I don't know... I feel like I'm caught between the man who is and will forever be the most important person in my life and the woman who was the most important person in my life for 20+ years. I love them both. I've been controlled by my mom so long, sometimes I don't know which things I want and which things are her ideas for what should be... Toby understands, he does. And I want our day to be what he wants too- not terribly formal....but everytime I think about saying no to anything to my mom, I go into a panic attack :( Last weekend, Toby told her that he would rather not have my brother stand up, because he does not really know him at all. I agreed. But, standing there, hearing Toby say no to my mom and then having her not even say goodbye to him before we left WI, someone might as well have whipped me with a chain.... How depressing- that this therapist needs therapy :P (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 8th, 2006
10:58 pm	um...stress two words: wedding planning I hate, hate, HATE that I can not please everyone with this wedding! I don't even have particular demands....I just want it to work out for everyone.... I really just can't think about it anymore tonight. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, August 6th, 2006
11:42 pm	crossing every body part that can be crossed... So now I DO have a job again! It is the same job as an aide to children with special needs in the Schiller Park school district. Someone moved to Texas, so the principal called me again (that feels so funny to say) and offered me the job. I'm excited, but also feeling very sad about leaving my little man :( I've been with him for about three and a half years now. I know that I'll still see him (he is the ring bearer in our wedding) but it's going to be so hard not to be part of his daily life!!!!! (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 18th, 2006
11:39 pm	Wow! Thanks everybody!!! Our power went out last night till this evening, so I didn't even see all these comments!! Thank you so much! Unfortunately, I found out the job offer fell-through this morning :( The child who I would have been working with in the school district changed schools, so I don't get the job :( :( :( The engagement- yes, is still exciting! I was completly not expecting it when it happened! It was perfect! (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, July 17th, 2006
6:42 pm	Nuts So, in the past three weeks I have gotten engaged and accepted a full time job. I am growing up before my very eyes! (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 15th, 2006
7:02 pm	Gingers was busy today She now has her own webpage :) http://www.dogster.com/?329773 (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 1st, 2006
12:05 pm	I've got time :) Leave your name and: 1. I'll respond with something random about you 2. I'll challenge you to try something 3. I'll pick a color that I associate with you 4. I'll tell you something I like about you 5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you 6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of 7. I'll ask you something I've always wanted to ask you 8. If I do this for you, you must post this on yours (20 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 9th, 2006
10:53 pm	Gosh Well, here is my first entry. I am primarily here to get to know people. I had a lovely time at a very delightful party hosted by mister and mrs. weasel last night. This is all. (5 Comments |Comment on this)